Easter Beginningzzzz

The Rendezvous of Miss Penny Sue
by Audrey Farnsworth and Brian Rhoads


In a quiet little dive bar at a half hour ‘til 2,
an appearance was made by inebriated Penny Sue.

People stared as she flew across the bar,
revealing her embarrassing c-section scar.

Her hair sprung with a bounce and flaired with a curl,
“I’ll have two rum and diets,” said the intoxicated girl.

Waiting for her drinks, her shouting grew crude,
“She’s fat, she sucks and I’m sure she’s a dude.”

She scoped the crowd and checked every stool,
until she recognized someone from high school.

The good looking man was equally as wrecked,
“Oh my god, weren’t we in Home Ec?”

Billy? No. Todd? Mark. Ah! James!
This was no time for remembering names.

As she texted vividly waiting for time to pass,
the man had the intention of tapping that ass.

While she frantically pounded her rum and coke,
the high school lab partner rose and spoke.

“A lovely girl like you certainly doesn’t come here,”
“I took a cab from Scottsdale,” and all was made clear.

The bar tender’s voice could be heard by all,
and broke everyone’s hearts as he cried, “Last call.”

Penny Sue balanced herself on the nearest pole,
as she called the bartender a “Giant asshole!”

She took two steps too many and had a stumble,
Causing the audience to murmur and mumble.

Penny Sue cleaned herself off and began to say,
“Fuck all you losers, it’s my birthday!”

In such a frenzy, the man was surely turned off,
when she slammed six shots of Sour Apple Smirnoff.

Penny Sue was having a good time, nothing could spoil it,
that is, unless she didn’t find the nearest toilet.

She ran to the bathroom, hasty and quick,
Said one of his friends, “Dude, she’s gonna be sick!”

The high school friend followed her to the back,
Knowing that this was the moment to attack!!1!

“I’ll handle this, just close out her tab,
Get me some water, and call us a cab.”

With the man’s help, Penny Sue was alive,
They were in that bathroom til about 2:25.

With her last gag, she took off her shoes,
The night was surely over for Miss Penny Sue.

They hopped in the taxi, and laughed such laughter,
Everyone ended their night happily ever after.

The Delivery Driver Chronicles: Part 1

I am a delivery boy. You are the customer.

This is what is expected of me by my employers:
1) Show up to work on time.
2) Wear a company t-shirt.
3) Answer phones politely and try to up-sell.
4) Do not fight anyone.
5) Make sure you have everything that is on the receipt inside the bag before leaving.
6) Drive to the destination and back in the quickest, and safest route possible,
7) Wash dishes/clean lobby.
8) Do not cuss in front of any customer.

This is difficult for some people to oblige by. I admit the job is easy, but it is also monotonous. The people who follow the rules are the ones who make the most money because they know exactly what they’re doing. You can make some decent money.

This is what is expected of me by you, the customer:
1) Don’t put my dick in your food.
2) Deliver the food as soon as you hang up the phone and dick-free.

I will paint a scenario for you: You are a delivery driver. I call you and make an order. I am infamous for poorly tipping delivery drivers, even if the delivery is delivered within 30 minutes. You can recall delivering to me 3 times in the past two weeks where I have tipped you close to nothing. Try and not put your dick in my sandwich. I dare you.

This is what I expect from my employers:
1) Provide all of the products necessary to do my job.
2) Have the full amount of paycheck ready for me every other Friday.

Pretty clear cut.

This is what I expect of customers:
1) Be polite.
2) A reasonable tip.

You should always tip your driver at least a gallon of gas. Unleaded is a safe bet. Also, when I am asking you to repeat something, it is because I am making sure that your fat, unappreciative ass will get what it desires. Please do not speak to me as if I were retarded.

Cash rules everything around me, cream.

Today at work, a group of four girls came into the store. They were loud and obnoxious, which easily gave away the fact that they are, in fact, in high school. They used our bathrooms and continued to talk to my coworkers and boss. Finally, my buddy Kevin asked them how old they were. They hesitated at first, but then told us they were 21. I instantly shut down this bullshit. They acted offended, but then they admitted they were 17. As they were leaving, I reminded them to "enjoy high school, because it is a long, slow, and painful decline from there."

My coworkers said they would still sleep with them.

What I do at 6am for 300, please.

I've coined a new term: "Wise Man." Definition: While at your computer desk watching porn, you sit on the floor because your headphones are too short. You can sit Indian style or do what I do and crouch down like a catcher. When you are done punishing yourself, your attempt to stand up and walk will make you look like a wise man.

Just the other night, while delivering, I came to a kid's apartment and when I knocked on the door, a sudden clatter came amongst the room. All I could hear was the cheers of a small group of people. As the door burst open, their eyes lit up and their teeth came out from hiding. I was like mother fucking Santa Claus to these drunken buffoons.
I looked at one of the people occupying the apartment and as we made eye contact, he screamed, "The sandwich guy is here!" with such an uplifting tone. They tipped for shit, but I wish everyone was that excited to see me.