G-Raff the Negligent Giraffe
By Rhoads
(Lights up on a kid watching TV.)
FATHER: Well Billy, it’s Friday night and you know what that means.
BILLY: You’re going to go get Carol drunk at Macaroni Grill and get upset that all she’ll give you is a hand job in your Infiniti M35?
CAROL: Hey!
FATHER: She is your step-mother and you will treat her with respect. Now we will be gone until midnight. I already gave you money for pizza, and do no, and I repeat, DO NOT have anybody over. Are we clear?
BILLY: Yes, Dad.
FATHER: Now, then.
CAROL: (Exiting.) I think I want to get the Calamari Fritti.
(FATHER and CAROL exit.)
BILLY: God damn.
(BILLY begins smoking mad r33f3R. TV ambience in background.)
TV NEWS ANCHOR: This just in; local authorities have just warned that a giraffe escaped from the zoo. Extreme caution should be taken. More information on this at 10. We now take you back to How I Met Your Mother.
BILLY: Ridiculous, man.
(Pause. TV ambience returns. A giraffe pokes his head into the house. It will be a cardboard cut out of a giraffe head/neck with a moveable mouth. A slide whistle will play whenever he enters/exits.)
G-RAFF: Hey there buddy. Whatcha up to?
BILLY: Whaaaaaaaat?
G-RAFF: Hey. Yeah. How are you doing, kid? Smoking some pot? Cool.
(BILLY continues to stare at giraffe and back to his pipe.)
BILLY: Are you the giraffe that’s on the news?
G-RAFF: What? There’s a giraffe on the news? I didn’t even know.
BILLY: Oh cool. Yeah. I guess some giraffe escaped from the zoo.
G-RAFF: Ah fuck.
BILLY: What?
G-RAFF: Uh, nothing. Um, do you want to smoke some pot, Billy?
BILLY: Yeah, man, sure. My stash is upstairs, let me go grab it.
G-RAFF: Oh, hey. Could you do me a favor?
BILLY: What’s that, G-Raff?
G-RAFF: Could you get me some clothes? It’s really cold, you know, being a giraffe and all.
NEWS ANCHOR: This just in, an update about the runaway giraffe. It seems the during escaping, the giraffe shanked three zoo keepers. I repeat, if you see a giraffe, stay away from it at all costs.
BILLY: Holy shit!
G-RAFF: Wow, that sucks. Good thing that it wasn’t me. Hey, weren’t you getting something? The pot? Some clothes?
BILLY: Right.
(BILLY exits behind flats.)
G-RAFF: Jesus Christ, that was close. (Pause.) Oh, is this How I Met Your Mother? God, I love this show. (LAFFZZZ)
(BILLY returns with clothes and r33f3rZzZ.)
BILLY: Alright, G-Raff. Here you go.
(BILLY hands clothes offstage.)
G-RAFF: Awesome. Well, I’m going to get changed. Load that bowl, Billy!
BILLY: Yes, sir!
(G-RAFF exits. Cue slide whistle.)
BILLY: (Pause.) God damn this pot RULES. I am triping fucking balls, dude, oh my god.
NEWS ANCHOR: This just in, an update on the runaway giraffe from the zoo. It seems that the giraffe is hiding in the metro area. He apparently stole a van from the zoo and ran over six pedestrians. This is an extremely dangerous situation and this giraffe is not to be trusted at all.
(G-RAFF returns, with a Hawaiian shirt, hat, sunglasses, and a fake mustache. Cue slide whistle.)
G-RAFF: Muuuch better!
BILLY: Looking sharp, G-Raff! Dude, that giraffe is fucking insane, dude! Apparently he’s killed like forty fucking people. What a fucking creep!
G-RAFF: GIRAFFES ARE MISUNDERSTOOD, ASSHOLE!
(Pause. There’s a knock at the door.)
G-RAFF: Who the fuck is that?
PIZZA GURL: (Offstage) Domino’s pizza.
G-RAFF: Oh shit. Play it cool.
(BILLY opens door and lets in PIZZA GURL.)
PIZZA GURL: That’ll just be $23.44. Oh my god, are you that giraffe that escaped from the zoo?
G-RAFF: Haha, no. No way. I’m just Puerto Rican.
BILLY: Yeah. G-Raff is mad cool. God damn, I left my wallet upstairs. I’ll be right back.
(BILLY exits behind the flats. A long awkward silence is held.)
G-RAFF: So help me God, if you fuck this up for me, I will mother fucking kill you in the face. You do not want to try me, bitch.
(BILLY returns.)
BILLY: Alright, I got them dollazZz. Here you go. Keep the change, dude.
(PIZZA GURL leaves horrified.)
G-RAFF: She was nice.
BILLY: Yeah, man. She was cool.
(Pause. Sirens are heard.)
G-RAFF: Well, I should probably get going.
BILLY: Really, dude? I thought we were going to, like, you know, hang out and shit. I was looking forward to it.
G-RAFF: Yeah, we will, dude. I just gotta catch the light rail. You know how it is, right?
BILLY: Yeah, I guess. Take it easy G-Raff!
G-RAFF: Goodbye, Billy.
(G-RAFF gives BILLY a kiss on the head before he leaves. Cue slide whistle. Pause. G-RAFF enters. Cue slide whistle.)
G-RAFF: Oh, and if you tell anybody about me, I’ll fucking kill you.
(G-RAFF leaves. Cue slide whistle. You can hear the stand out with the police in the background over TV ambience.)
POLICE: (OS) Freeze, giraffe! Don’t move!
G-RAFF: (OS) You guys aren’t taking me down alive!
POLICE: (OS) Don’t do anything stupid, giraffe.
G-RAFF: (OS) Don’t do anything stupid? Do you think I give a FUCK?
POLICE: (OS) Stop!
(Gun shots are heard, followed by a giant splash. BILLY is un-phased and continues to watch television. A long pause occurs. FATHER returns.)
BILLY: Oh hey, Dad. Is the Macaroni Grill packed?
FATHER: No, Carol just didn’t want to give me a hand job. Why is there a dead giraffe wearing my Tommy Bahama clothes in my pool?
(Lightzz)
R.I.P. G-Raff the Giraffe
Another possible death: He was in a stolen Chevy Classic (a fine vehicle, I must say) doing 102 on the freeway. After a long chase from the police, he decided to drive off a cliff and end it all.
It's how he would have wanted it.
