Episode 1: Return to Tempe
Since I have been unemployed, I have spent the majority of my time in my parent's basement slowly going insane. There is nothing to do in Gilbert but hate yourself for living in Gilbert. At least we don't pretend we are better than what we actually are like Chandler. Grow up, Chandler.
I apply to nearly 50 jobs a day. When I get a call for an interview, not only am I surprised but curious to what I am interviewing for. Mostly, I am just happy to have an excuse to leave the house, but I made the mistake of not researching the company prior to leaving the house and shaving my beard off. I entered the company's name into Google and saw that the second search result was a posting on a forum asking if this company was a scam, ultimately leading to many horror stories of how this company is a poorly ran pyramid scheme. Now I look fucking creepy for no damn reason. Thanks, bro.
But not everything is bad news. Amidst loitering in the magazine aisle of a Safeway, a voice come over the intercom that offered, "Anybody who can correctly answer the trivia question will win a free bag of groceries. The question is: Who'e ear did Mike Tyson bite off in a 1996 boxing match?" Pursuing this endeavor tickled my fancy at first, given that everyone knows that the answer is Evander Holyfield. That was until I had raised my eyes from the latest Sports Illustrated to witness a rather large lady (approximately 20 years of age) in full sprint down the aisle, yelling "EVANDER HOLYFIELD! YO! EVANDER HOLYFIELD!" Two thoughts came through my mind at that moment:
1) I should get out of her way.
2) Although I am 97% positive that I could run faster than her, there was no way I could beat her for the prize, let alone the rest of the other potential fatties flocking to the front of the store that I had not accounted for yet.
It all happened so fast, that by the time I had finally accepted what just happened, she was returning down the aisle panting. She began to shout, "I heard y'all laughin' at me from accross tha store. Y'all aaaaaassholes." At first I thought she was talking about me, but with a quick glance down the other side of the aisle, I saw her thick friends surrounding a cart filled with twelve packs of cola laughing.
Lesson Learned: Do research first, shave second.
