Brett Michaels (from Rock of Love) at the Tony's!
Monday, June 8, 2009
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Random Thoughts While Working
I noticed tonight as I peered from behind that dreaded register at work how much I hate the question "Do you have to go number one or number two?" Either way, you are going to piss. You're an asshole for asking this question. I would love to meet the person, male or female, who can poop without peeing, because that is a task that I just cannot do. End of discussion.
I have never had the opportunity to "hate fuck" anyone, so I've just settled for "hate bating." What can a girl say when you confidently proclaim, "I've hate bated the shit out of you"? Take that, ex-girlfriendz.
Also, what the fuck is up with the latest Kentucky Fried Chicken commercials? Specifically, I am talking about the one where there's a shot of two people debating 'fried or grilled.' In this commercial, two very stereotypical Japanese men are wearing samurai robes with headbands. All the other races are wearing normal clothes, as if to say that all Japanese people wear that shit. No, that shit is for white kids who have such a boner for anime, that they become cross dressers after you move out of the shitty apartment you shared. I'm not clowning on my roommate who happened to become a cross dresser, he's still a cool person. There is just a very justifiable "what the fuck?" needed.
I have never had the opportunity to "hate fuck" anyone, so I've just settled for "hate bating." What can a girl say when you confidently proclaim, "I've hate bated the shit out of you"? Take that, ex-girlfriendz.
Also, what the fuck is up with the latest Kentucky Fried Chicken commercials? Specifically, I am talking about the one where there's a shot of two people debating 'fried or grilled.' In this commercial, two very stereotypical Japanese men are wearing samurai robes with headbands. All the other races are wearing normal clothes, as if to say that all Japanese people wear that shit. No, that shit is for white kids who have such a boner for anime, that they become cross dressers after you move out of the shitty apartment you shared. I'm not clowning on my roommate who happened to become a cross dresser, he's still a cool person. There is just a very justifiable "what the fuck?" needed.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
The Birth of G-Raff
It started out as an idea for a sketch that Trevor pitched to me a long time ago. The original idea was that the giraffe would be an imaginary friend to a little boy who was abused by his father. With Trevor's approval, I spun the idea just a tad. This is my favorite sketch I have ever performed, hands down. Ty played G-Raff (naturally).
G-Raff the Negligent Giraffe
By Rhoads
(Lights up on a kid watching TV.)
FATHER: Well Billy, it’s Friday night and you know what that means.
BILLY: You’re going to go get Carol drunk at Macaroni Grill and get upset that all she’ll give you is a hand job in your Infiniti M35?
CAROL: Hey!
FATHER: She is your step-mother and you will treat her with respect. Now we will be gone until midnight. I already gave you money for pizza, and do no, and I repeat, DO NOT have anybody over. Are we clear?
BILLY: Yes, Dad.
FATHER: Now, then.
CAROL: (Exiting.) I think I want to get the Calamari Fritti.
(FATHER and CAROL exit.)
BILLY: God damn.
(BILLY begins smoking mad r33f3R. TV ambience in background.)
TV NEWS ANCHOR: This just in; local authorities have just warned that a giraffe escaped from the zoo. Extreme caution should be taken. More information on this at 10. We now take you back to How I Met Your Mother.
BILLY: Ridiculous, man.
(Pause. TV ambience returns. A giraffe pokes his head into the house. It will be a cardboard cut out of a giraffe head/neck with a moveable mouth. A slide whistle will play whenever he enters/exits.)
G-RAFF: Hey there buddy. Whatcha up to?
BILLY: Whaaaaaaaat?
G-RAFF: Hey. Yeah. How are you doing, kid? Smoking some pot? Cool.
(BILLY continues to stare at giraffe and back to his pipe.)
BILLY: Are you the giraffe that’s on the news?
G-RAFF: What? There’s a giraffe on the news? I didn’t even know.
BILLY: Oh cool. Yeah. I guess some giraffe escaped from the zoo.
G-RAFF: Ah fuck.
BILLY: What?
G-RAFF: Uh, nothing. Um, do you want to smoke some pot, Billy?
BILLY: Yeah, man, sure. My stash is upstairs, let me go grab it.
G-RAFF: Oh, hey. Could you do me a favor?
BILLY: What’s that, G-Raff?
G-RAFF: Could you get me some clothes? It’s really cold, you know, being a giraffe and all.
NEWS ANCHOR: This just in, an update about the runaway giraffe. It seems the during escaping, the giraffe shanked three zoo keepers. I repeat, if you see a giraffe, stay away from it at all costs.
BILLY: Holy shit!
G-RAFF: Wow, that sucks. Good thing that it wasn’t me. Hey, weren’t you getting something? The pot? Some clothes?
BILLY: Right.
(BILLY exits behind flats.)
G-RAFF: Jesus Christ, that was close. (Pause.) Oh, is this How I Met Your Mother? God, I love this show. (LAFFZZZ)
(BILLY returns with clothes and r33f3rZzZ.)
BILLY: Alright, G-Raff. Here you go.
(BILLY hands clothes offstage.)
G-RAFF: Awesome. Well, I’m going to get changed. Load that bowl, Billy!
BILLY: Yes, sir!
(G-RAFF exits. Cue slide whistle.)
BILLY: (Pause.) God damn this pot RULES. I am triping fucking balls, dude, oh my god.
NEWS ANCHOR: This just in, an update on the runaway giraffe from the zoo. It seems that the giraffe is hiding in the metro area. He apparently stole a van from the zoo and ran over six pedestrians. This is an extremely dangerous situation and this giraffe is not to be trusted at all.
(G-RAFF returns, with a Hawaiian shirt, hat, sunglasses, and a fake mustache. Cue slide whistle.)
G-RAFF: Muuuch better!
BILLY: Looking sharp, G-Raff! Dude, that giraffe is fucking insane, dude! Apparently he’s killed like forty fucking people. What a fucking creep!
G-RAFF: GIRAFFES ARE MISUNDERSTOOD, ASSHOLE!
(Pause. There’s a knock at the door.)
G-RAFF: Who the fuck is that?
PIZZA GURL: (Offstage) Domino’s pizza.
G-RAFF: Oh shit. Play it cool.
(BILLY opens door and lets in PIZZA GURL.)
PIZZA GURL: That’ll just be $23.44. Oh my god, are you that giraffe that escaped from the zoo?
G-RAFF: Haha, no. No way. I’m just Puerto Rican.
BILLY: Yeah. G-Raff is mad cool. God damn, I left my wallet upstairs. I’ll be right back.
(BILLY exits behind the flats. A long awkward silence is held.)
G-RAFF: So help me God, if you fuck this up for me, I will mother fucking kill you in the face. You do not want to try me, bitch.
(BILLY returns.)
BILLY: Alright, I got them dollazZz. Here you go. Keep the change, dude.
(PIZZA GURL leaves horrified.)
G-RAFF: She was nice.
BILLY: Yeah, man. She was cool.
(Pause. Sirens are heard.)
G-RAFF: Well, I should probably get going.
BILLY: Really, dude? I thought we were going to, like, you know, hang out and shit. I was looking forward to it.
G-RAFF: Yeah, we will, dude. I just gotta catch the light rail. You know how it is, right?
BILLY: Yeah, I guess. Take it easy G-Raff!
G-RAFF: Goodbye, Billy.
(G-RAFF gives BILLY a kiss on the head before he leaves. Cue slide whistle. Pause. G-RAFF enters. Cue slide whistle.)
G-RAFF: Oh, and if you tell anybody about me, I’ll fucking kill you.
(G-RAFF leaves. Cue slide whistle. You can hear the stand out with the police in the background over TV ambience.)
POLICE: (OS) Freeze, giraffe! Don’t move!
G-RAFF: (OS) You guys aren’t taking me down alive!
POLICE: (OS) Don’t do anything stupid, giraffe.
G-RAFF: (OS) Don’t do anything stupid? Do you think I give a FUCK?
POLICE: (OS) Stop!
(Gun shots are heard, followed by a giant splash. BILLY is un-phased and continues to watch television. A long pause occurs. FATHER returns.)
BILLY: Oh hey, Dad. Is the Macaroni Grill packed?
FATHER: No, Carol just didn’t want to give me a hand job. Why is there a dead giraffe wearing my Tommy Bahama clothes in my pool?
(Lightzz)
R.I.P. G-Raff the Giraffe
Another possible death: He was in a stolen Chevy Classic (a fine vehicle, I must say) doing 102 on the freeway. After a long chase from the police, he decided to drive off a cliff and end it all.
It's how he would have wanted it.
G-Raff the Negligent Giraffe
By Rhoads
(Lights up on a kid watching TV.)
FATHER: Well Billy, it’s Friday night and you know what that means.
BILLY: You’re going to go get Carol drunk at Macaroni Grill and get upset that all she’ll give you is a hand job in your Infiniti M35?
CAROL: Hey!
FATHER: She is your step-mother and you will treat her with respect. Now we will be gone until midnight. I already gave you money for pizza, and do no, and I repeat, DO NOT have anybody over. Are we clear?
BILLY: Yes, Dad.
FATHER: Now, then.
CAROL: (Exiting.) I think I want to get the Calamari Fritti.
(FATHER and CAROL exit.)
BILLY: God damn.
(BILLY begins smoking mad r33f3R. TV ambience in background.)
TV NEWS ANCHOR: This just in; local authorities have just warned that a giraffe escaped from the zoo. Extreme caution should be taken. More information on this at 10. We now take you back to How I Met Your Mother.
BILLY: Ridiculous, man.
(Pause. TV ambience returns. A giraffe pokes his head into the house. It will be a cardboard cut out of a giraffe head/neck with a moveable mouth. A slide whistle will play whenever he enters/exits.)
G-RAFF: Hey there buddy. Whatcha up to?
BILLY: Whaaaaaaaat?
G-RAFF: Hey. Yeah. How are you doing, kid? Smoking some pot? Cool.
(BILLY continues to stare at giraffe and back to his pipe.)
BILLY: Are you the giraffe that’s on the news?
G-RAFF: What? There’s a giraffe on the news? I didn’t even know.
BILLY: Oh cool. Yeah. I guess some giraffe escaped from the zoo.
G-RAFF: Ah fuck.
BILLY: What?
G-RAFF: Uh, nothing. Um, do you want to smoke some pot, Billy?
BILLY: Yeah, man, sure. My stash is upstairs, let me go grab it.
G-RAFF: Oh, hey. Could you do me a favor?
BILLY: What’s that, G-Raff?
G-RAFF: Could you get me some clothes? It’s really cold, you know, being a giraffe and all.
NEWS ANCHOR: This just in, an update about the runaway giraffe. It seems the during escaping, the giraffe shanked three zoo keepers. I repeat, if you see a giraffe, stay away from it at all costs.
BILLY: Holy shit!
G-RAFF: Wow, that sucks. Good thing that it wasn’t me. Hey, weren’t you getting something? The pot? Some clothes?
BILLY: Right.
(BILLY exits behind flats.)
G-RAFF: Jesus Christ, that was close. (Pause.) Oh, is this How I Met Your Mother? God, I love this show. (LAFFZZZ)
(BILLY returns with clothes and r33f3rZzZ.)
BILLY: Alright, G-Raff. Here you go.
(BILLY hands clothes offstage.)
G-RAFF: Awesome. Well, I’m going to get changed. Load that bowl, Billy!
BILLY: Yes, sir!
(G-RAFF exits. Cue slide whistle.)
BILLY: (Pause.) God damn this pot RULES. I am triping fucking balls, dude, oh my god.
NEWS ANCHOR: This just in, an update on the runaway giraffe from the zoo. It seems that the giraffe is hiding in the metro area. He apparently stole a van from the zoo and ran over six pedestrians. This is an extremely dangerous situation and this giraffe is not to be trusted at all.
(G-RAFF returns, with a Hawaiian shirt, hat, sunglasses, and a fake mustache. Cue slide whistle.)
G-RAFF: Muuuch better!
BILLY: Looking sharp, G-Raff! Dude, that giraffe is fucking insane, dude! Apparently he’s killed like forty fucking people. What a fucking creep!
G-RAFF: GIRAFFES ARE MISUNDERSTOOD, ASSHOLE!
(Pause. There’s a knock at the door.)
G-RAFF: Who the fuck is that?
PIZZA GURL: (Offstage) Domino’s pizza.
G-RAFF: Oh shit. Play it cool.
(BILLY opens door and lets in PIZZA GURL.)
PIZZA GURL: That’ll just be $23.44. Oh my god, are you that giraffe that escaped from the zoo?
G-RAFF: Haha, no. No way. I’m just Puerto Rican.
BILLY: Yeah. G-Raff is mad cool. God damn, I left my wallet upstairs. I’ll be right back.
(BILLY exits behind the flats. A long awkward silence is held.)
G-RAFF: So help me God, if you fuck this up for me, I will mother fucking kill you in the face. You do not want to try me, bitch.
(BILLY returns.)
BILLY: Alright, I got them dollazZz. Here you go. Keep the change, dude.
(PIZZA GURL leaves horrified.)
G-RAFF: She was nice.
BILLY: Yeah, man. She was cool.
(Pause. Sirens are heard.)
G-RAFF: Well, I should probably get going.
BILLY: Really, dude? I thought we were going to, like, you know, hang out and shit. I was looking forward to it.
G-RAFF: Yeah, we will, dude. I just gotta catch the light rail. You know how it is, right?
BILLY: Yeah, I guess. Take it easy G-Raff!
G-RAFF: Goodbye, Billy.
(G-RAFF gives BILLY a kiss on the head before he leaves. Cue slide whistle. Pause. G-RAFF enters. Cue slide whistle.)
G-RAFF: Oh, and if you tell anybody about me, I’ll fucking kill you.
(G-RAFF leaves. Cue slide whistle. You can hear the stand out with the police in the background over TV ambience.)
POLICE: (OS) Freeze, giraffe! Don’t move!
G-RAFF: (OS) You guys aren’t taking me down alive!
POLICE: (OS) Don’t do anything stupid, giraffe.
G-RAFF: (OS) Don’t do anything stupid? Do you think I give a FUCK?
POLICE: (OS) Stop!
(Gun shots are heard, followed by a giant splash. BILLY is un-phased and continues to watch television. A long pause occurs. FATHER returns.)
BILLY: Oh hey, Dad. Is the Macaroni Grill packed?
FATHER: No, Carol just didn’t want to give me a hand job. Why is there a dead giraffe wearing my Tommy Bahama clothes in my pool?
(Lightzz)
R.I.P. G-Raff the Giraffe
Another possible death: He was in a stolen Chevy Classic (a fine vehicle, I must say) doing 102 on the freeway. After a long chase from the police, he decided to drive off a cliff and end it all.
It's how he would have wanted it.
Trailer!
This is the trailer (so far) for the movie I'm in. Bruce Heppler (prostate exam joke) wrote, directed, and edited everything.
tr3wf (Part 1)
Do not invite me to hang out with you via Facebook Status Update. If you want to hang out with me, then mother fucking call me. It may sound harsh, but honestly, there are a lot of people you are friends with that I would never want to be associated with. The only people you are attracting with an invitation like that are people with nothing better to do than to hang out with you or people who would want to murder you. No fucking thank you.
At least you are warning me your whereabouts. Thanks?
At least you are warning me your whereabouts. Thanks?
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