The Birth of G-Raff

It started out as an idea for a sketch that Trevor pitched to me a long time ago. The original idea was that the giraffe would be an imaginary friend to a little boy who was abused by his father. With Trevor's approval, I spun the idea just a tad. This is my favorite sketch I have ever performed, hands down. Ty played G-Raff (naturally).

G-Raff the Negligent Giraffe
By Rhoads

(Lights up on a kid watching TV.)

FATHER: Well Billy, it’s Friday night and you know what that means.

BILLY: You’re going to go get Carol drunk at Macaroni Grill and get upset that all she’ll give you is a hand job in your Infiniti M35?

CAROL: Hey!

FATHER: She is your step-mother and you will treat her with respect. Now we will be gone until midnight. I already gave you money for pizza, and do no, and I repeat, DO NOT have anybody over. Are we clear?

BILLY: Yes, Dad.

FATHER: Now, then.

CAROL: (Exiting.) I think I want to get the Calamari Fritti.

(FATHER and CAROL exit.)

BILLY: God damn.

(BILLY begins smoking mad r33f3R. TV ambience in background.)

TV NEWS ANCHOR: This just in; local authorities have just warned that a giraffe escaped from the zoo. Extreme caution should be taken. More information on this at 10. We now take you back to How I Met Your Mother.

BILLY: Ridiculous, man.

(Pause. TV ambience returns. A giraffe pokes his head into the house. It will be a cardboard cut out of a giraffe head/neck with a moveable mouth. A slide whistle will play whenever he enters/exits.)

G-RAFF: Hey there buddy. Whatcha up to?

BILLY: Whaaaaaaaat?

G-RAFF: Hey. Yeah. How are you doing, kid? Smoking some pot? Cool.

(BILLY continues to stare at giraffe and back to his pipe.)

BILLY: Are you the giraffe that’s on the news?

G-RAFF: What? There’s a giraffe on the news? I didn’t even know.

BILLY: Oh cool. Yeah. I guess some giraffe escaped from the zoo.

G-RAFF: Ah fuck.

BILLY: What?

G-RAFF: Uh, nothing. Um, do you want to smoke some pot, Billy?

BILLY: Yeah, man, sure. My stash is upstairs, let me go grab it.

G-RAFF: Oh, hey. Could you do me a favor?

BILLY: What’s that, G-Raff?

G-RAFF: Could you get me some clothes? It’s really cold, you know, being a giraffe and all.

NEWS ANCHOR: This just in, an update about the runaway giraffe. It seems the during escaping, the giraffe shanked three zoo keepers. I repeat, if you see a giraffe, stay away from it at all costs.

BILLY: Holy shit!

G-RAFF: Wow, that sucks. Good thing that it wasn’t me. Hey, weren’t you getting something? The pot? Some clothes?

BILLY: Right.

(BILLY exits behind flats.)

G-RAFF: Jesus Christ, that was close. (Pause.) Oh, is this How I Met Your Mother? God, I love this show. (LAFFZZZ)

(BILLY returns with clothes and r33f3rZzZ.)

BILLY: Alright, G-Raff. Here you go.

(BILLY hands clothes offstage.)

G-RAFF: Awesome. Well, I’m going to get changed. Load that bowl, Billy!

BILLY: Yes, sir!

(G-RAFF exits. Cue slide whistle.)

BILLY: (Pause.) God damn this pot RULES. I am triping fucking balls, dude, oh my god.

NEWS ANCHOR: This just in, an update on the runaway giraffe from the zoo. It seems that the giraffe is hiding in the metro area. He apparently stole a van from the zoo and ran over six pedestrians. This is an extremely dangerous situation and this giraffe is not to be trusted at all.

(G-RAFF returns, with a Hawaiian shirt, hat, sunglasses, and a fake mustache. Cue slide whistle.)

G-RAFF: Muuuch better!

BILLY: Looking sharp, G-Raff! Dude, that giraffe is fucking insane, dude! Apparently he’s killed like forty fucking people. What a fucking creep!

G-RAFF: GIRAFFES ARE MISUNDERSTOOD, ASSHOLE!

(Pause. There’s a knock at the door.)

G-RAFF: Who the fuck is that?

PIZZA GURL: (Offstage) Domino’s pizza.

G-RAFF: Oh shit. Play it cool.

(BILLY opens door and lets in PIZZA GURL.)

PIZZA GURL: That’ll just be $23.44. Oh my god, are you that giraffe that escaped from the zoo?

G-RAFF: Haha, no. No way. I’m just Puerto Rican.

BILLY: Yeah. G-Raff is mad cool. God damn, I left my wallet upstairs. I’ll be right back.

(BILLY exits behind the flats. A long awkward silence is held.)

G-RAFF: So help me God, if you fuck this up for me, I will mother fucking kill you in the face. You do not want to try me, bitch.

(BILLY returns.)

BILLY: Alright, I got them dollazZz. Here you go. Keep the change, dude.

(PIZZA GURL leaves horrified.)

G-RAFF: She was nice.

BILLY: Yeah, man. She was cool.

(Pause. Sirens are heard.)

G-RAFF: Well, I should probably get going.

BILLY: Really, dude? I thought we were going to, like, you know, hang out and shit. I was looking forward to it.

G-RAFF: Yeah, we will, dude. I just gotta catch the light rail. You know how it is, right?

BILLY: Yeah, I guess. Take it easy G-Raff!

G-RAFF: Goodbye, Billy.

(G-RAFF gives BILLY a kiss on the head before he leaves. Cue slide whistle. Pause. G-RAFF enters. Cue slide whistle.)

G-RAFF: Oh, and if you tell anybody about me, I’ll fucking kill you.

(G-RAFF leaves. Cue slide whistle. You can hear the stand out with the police in the background over TV ambience.)

POLICE: (OS) Freeze, giraffe! Don’t move!

G-RAFF: (OS) You guys aren’t taking me down alive!

POLICE: (OS) Don’t do anything stupid, giraffe.

G-RAFF: (OS) Don’t do anything stupid? Do you think I give a FUCK?

POLICE: (OS) Stop!

(Gun shots are heard, followed by a giant splash. BILLY is un-phased and continues to watch television. A long pause occurs. FATHER returns.)

BILLY: Oh hey, Dad. Is the Macaroni Grill packed?

FATHER: No, Carol just didn’t want to give me a hand job. Why is there a dead giraffe wearing my Tommy Bahama clothes in my pool?

(Lightzz)


R.I.P. G-Raff the Giraffe

Another possible death: He was in a stolen Chevy Classic (a fine vehicle, I must say) doing 102 on the freeway. After a long chase from the police, he decided to drive off a cliff and end it all.

It's how he would have wanted it.