Confessions From the Downstairs Couch

Episode 1: Return to Tempe

Since I have been unemployed, I have spent the majority of my time in my parent's basement slowly going insane. There is nothing to do in Gilbert but hate yourself for living in Gilbert. At least we don't pretend we are better than what we actually are like Chandler. Grow up, Chandler.

I apply to nearly 50 jobs a day. When I get a call for an interview, not only am I surprised but curious to what I am interviewing for. Mostly, I am just happy to have an excuse to leave the house, but I made the mistake of not researching the company prior to leaving the house and shaving my beard off. I entered the company's name into Google and saw that the second search result was a posting on a forum asking if this company was a scam, ultimately leading to many horror stories of how this company is a poorly ran pyramid scheme. Now I look fucking creepy for no damn reason. Thanks, bro.

But not everything is bad news. Amidst loitering in the magazine aisle of a Safeway, a voice come over the intercom that offered, "Anybody who can correctly answer the trivia question will win a free bag of groceries. The question is: Who'e ear did Mike Tyson bite off in a 1996 boxing match?" Pursuing this endeavor tickled my fancy at first, given that everyone knows that the answer is Evander Holyfield. That was until I had raised my eyes from the latest Sports Illustrated to witness a rather large lady (approximately 20 years of age) in full sprint down the aisle, yelling "EVANDER HOLYFIELD! YO! EVANDER HOLYFIELD!" Two thoughts came through my mind at that moment:

1) I should get out of her way.

2) Although I am 97% positive that I could run faster than her, there was no way I could beat her for the prize, let alone the rest of the other potential fatties flocking to the front of the store that I had not accounted for yet.

It all happened so fast, that by the time I had finally accepted what just happened, she was returning down the aisle panting. She began to shout, "I heard y'all laughin' at me from accross tha store. Y'all aaaaaassholes." At first I thought she was talking about me, but with a quick glance down the other side of the aisle, I saw her thick friends surrounding a cart filled with twelve packs of cola laughing.

Lesson Learned: Do research first, shave second.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

I have three shows scheduled this upcoming weekend.

First, I am hosting "The Dopest Show", a pot themed comedy show being held at the Comedy Spot, on Thursday night. "The Dopest Show" has been running for over five years, been taken across the nation, and an impressive alumni list. I am gracious for the opportunity and looking forward to potential performing possibilities in the future, but there is one underlying problem: I am not a fan of themed comedy. To me, a good comic will make a joke about anything and everything. Pot, or being under the influence of it, is not hilarious to me, nor are the antics (with a few exceptions) that follow consumption. I know that I will be professional and do my job well, but I guess I am just not looking forward to jokes about how high person A is all night. Hopefully, I am proven wrong and find some really awesome comics. To be ironic, my set will consist of no pot related humor whatsoever. Already, I feel that that is the funniest thing I am going to experience all night.

The man who had booked me to host the show created a private group via the fb for everyone performing on the show. Recently, he added this statement:

"Let's Hope for the best, but Honestly, if AZ does'nt want this show, then Fuck 'em! The ball is in your court AZ!"

Now, I understand that I am being lame, douche bag English Major Guy, but this is pretty putrid. Random capitalization? I hate fb and everyone who thinks it is acceptable to not incorporate grammar because they feel that the internet is an excuse for illiteracy. TYPE THE WAY YOU WISH TO BE RESPRESENTED, ASSHOLE. If you want to disregard simple ideas, such as sentence structure, then I am going to think that you are a huge moron and would have difficulty with a fifth grade English exam. Go ahead and read Twilight and feel accomplished, you fuck.

Saturday night, I am opening at the Comedy Spot with Trevor for Bruce Jingles. Given that Trevor and I have Saturday off of work, it is going to be a great day. Maybe we will hit up the driving range and speak in well crafted verse. Needless to say, I am not worried about it.

Sunday night, I will be performing on the Tempe Improv's "10 for 10" show, which will consist of ten comics doing ten minutes each. Unfortunately, my set has to be absolutely clean. I am pretty positive that I will be able to do this, yet I fear that I will go into auto-pilot and just let loose. Hopefully, I refrain from pissing off the super Christian owner and am asked back. It would also be awesome if he decided to give me five hundred dollars cash.

So, we will see.

I lost my sun glasses today.

My sun glasses hung on the collar of my t-shirt while I dumped hard in a Starbuck's bathroom. Slightly leaning forward to wipe, my sunglasses fell from my neck and landed on my boxers, bouncing them between my legs and into the dump filled toilet bowl. There is no amount of rubbing alcohol that will clean away the memory of seeing my glasses float in shit and piss. God damnit, that is another 10-15 dollars that I have to spend.

Ball in the Family

Ball in the Family from The Yoked Control on Vimeo.

Thanksgiving

Happy "Let's pretend that we were actually friends with the Native Americans" Day!