I thought I just saw someone smoking in the computer lab.

I had this weird fucking dream where I was on the cast of Saved by the Bell (during when Mario Lopez was yet to be on cast). Everything was going swimmingly, until I realized where the fuck I was. I even remember walking with the "Alex" character and explaining to him that I'm 22. He then told me to go chat with Ms. Bliss.


I'm 22...

Matt Stafford Picture

see more Sports Pictures

haha

b0n3RzZ

I'm glad auditions are over. By the second day, I was done with watching the same awful sketches and wanted to kill myself. I was surprised when my sketch wasn't the shittiest and a little disappointed, to be honest. I tried really hard to make my sketch fucking awful. No one got naked. I don't know how to further comment on it.

Also...

Fuck Jon and Kate and all eight of their stupid fucking children. They are not extraordinary other than the fact that she squeezed out 8 of those little shits. STOP SHOWING UP IN PEOPLE MAGAZINE OR ELSE I WONT HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO READ WHILE IM POOPING AT MY PARENT'S HOUSE!

I am also glad that last week finally fucking ended. It was nice seeing my brother, but I just had way too much shit to do. Fucksicles. Time to put together a show.

Terrible Audition Sketch!

Every semester for ASUComedy auditions, we write terrible fucking sketches in hopes that people who are auditioning will make it funny. I am trying to make it impossible.

Here is my sketch.

(Lights up on a man and a woman walking to a check out counter.)

GARY: I just don't understand why you can't buy them yourself!

LISA: I told you already, I just want company.

GARY: But you're buying tampons.

LISA: Stop being such a pussy. I need to go grab some more things, I'll be right back.

GARY: Hurry up! We are next.

(Lisa leaves)

CLERK: Welcome to Walmart.

GARY: Uh, hi. I guess we'll just take these.

CLERK: Is this a joke, sir?

GARY: What?

CLERK: You're a boy.

GARY: Yes.

CLERK: A boy buying tampons.

GARY: Yes.

CLERK: Alright, sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

(Lisa enters.)

LISA: Hey Gary, I found those Men's One-A-Day vitamins you've been looking for.

CLERK: Now what's this?

LISA: What?

CLERK: A woman buying man pills and a man buying tampons?! What kind of game are you two playing here?

GARY: I was just buying my girlfriend tampons...

CLERK: I don't want to even know what YOU are going to do with those, pervert!

LISA: (To Gary) Is this guy serious?

CLERK: Are YOU serious?

LISA: What?

CLERK: Zibbity ZOP ZOP ZOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

(The clerk then proceeds to get naked.)

GARY: You make everything awful, Lisa.

(Lightz)

I really shouldn't be angry

Man... What the fuck?

Why the fuck am I still at the same fucking loser job?

I can't complain about my miserable night because it is my own damn fault for not getting the fuck out of there!

Fuck those simpleton fucks who slump into our store, don't fucking tip, bark orders, and never buy a fucking cup, yet grab 3 water cups! Fuck bro-dawgs shouting about who loves pussy more, or whose Ed Hardy t-shirt is more dank. Fuck those tone deaf slooters massacring the chorus to Biz Markie. I'm done listening to the same Bob Marley/Incubus/Sublime/Red Hot Chili Peppers/311/Weezer/stupid fucking bro music.

IF YOUR FRIEND IS JUST USING THE BATHROOM, DO NOT PRETEND LIKE YOU ARE LOOKING AT THE MENU DEBATING WHETHER OR NOT TO ORDER SOMETHING. We all know what's going on. Cut that bullshit out.

This has become what to be expected nightly. But tonight was far worse due to how I was treated by my manager. In my two years of being employed there, I have never felt so degraded and disrespected by a co-worker, let alone manager.

If you are reading this, you know who you are. You preach integrity and hard work. You're supposed to walk the line, not... nevermind.

I am also mad because I know that he wont remember shit in the morning, but I will.

I hate to say it, but I miss Mutz.