Cut Me Up, Brah.

Holy shit. This story starts at the beginning.

So near the tail end of my shift, I was pissing irregularly and constantly. It was embarrassing to have to take so many breaks from work, but I had to do what I had to do. Ty and a couple of my coworkers suggested that it was a UTI (Urinary Tract Infection) and recommended that I slam as much cranberry juice as possible. Doing this made shit intense.

I have what is called a stricture (a pinch in the urethra [your piss tube, brah]) which causes me to piss irregularly and slowly. Normal people piss like a faucet on full blast, where as I piss like a faucet barely turned on. I had surgery back in 2005 to correct this, but after about a year, the symptoms starting showing again in a slight manor. I remember after that surgery, I sat in a papasan chair (HOW THE FUCK DO YOU SPELL THAT?) and watched a marathon of the Venus and Serena Williams Reality show. I'm a glutton for punishment via terrible TV?

Cut back to slamming cranberry cocktail. Around 8:30pm, I was freaking out in my bathroom trying to piss. I called my sister who had informed me about all the possibilities it could have been and convinced me to at least get it checked out. I was freaking the fuck out, needless to say. At the emergency room, I was assigned a hot nurse who was really calming and friendly. Of course they give me the hot nurse during this embarrassing penis dilemma. I wish I shaved my balls. They ran tests on my urine and even checked to see how much urine was in my system. I had more urine in my bladder than the machine could calculate; They estimated that I had over a liter of piss in my bladder. I looked like one of those pot bellied children in a third world country.

She (hot nurse) attempted to put in a cathader but could not insert it completely due to my reappearing stricture. They even tried a smaller one to see if they could squeeze it past my stricture to empty up my bladder but ended up with the same result. They had to transfer me to a hospital which had an on-call Urologist who would actually respond. Dr. Heiland was the only person I encountered who didn't have a sense of humor. Understandably, I was the asshole who woke her up at 4am.

Sidenote: In both hospitals, there was a drunk man handcuffed to a stretcher. The one at the first hospital had the net mask so he couldn't spit at the cops/nurses. It was humorous to hear the staff just talk to this drunk fuck.

DF: GET ME OUT OF HERRRRE I DONT WANT TO BE HERRE UNCHAIN ME CUT THIS OFF CUT OFF CUT OFFF
NURSE: That is my favorite type of t-shirt. What's your favorite band? (In attempt to calm this fucker down)
DF: (I shit you not, but the guy began yelling:) ICP! ICP! ICP!

hahahahahaha. The second guy was wasted and wouldn't comply with the hospital staff. Instead, he just kept calling the cops 'faggots' and screaming 'ow' as loud as he could. Also, as I was being wheeled to the ambulance, I saw several dumpy girls passed out (and tied down) on stretchers. Awesome.

Anyways, I had the surgery again and now have to have a cathedor (however you fucking spell it. Right clicking it doesn't help... they just think I'm trying to spell cathedral) for a week. Awesome.... right?

The best part of the whole experience for me was seeing my family, especially my sister. She came through when I needed her the most and was a big sister. I know it sounds stupid, but my sister and I never really got along too well until she moved to Arizona with us. At that point in time, I was 16 and 'independent' and refused any type of help. But last night, I finally had my older sister.

That and seeing Sadie always makes me happy. I love you so much, Sadie. You're getting a great Christmas present (like you always do).

This was the spoOooOooOOOokiest Halloween I have ever had. Be safe, kids.

Invitation - Shel Silverstein

If you are a dreamer, come in,
If you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar,
A hope-er, a pray-er, a magic bean buyer...
If you're a pretender, come sit by my fire
For we have some fla-golden tales to spin.
Come in!
come in!

So a couple days ago, I finally figured out why I couldn't connect to the internet and I felt completely retarded. It was basically the first time I had tried as opposed to just saying "fuck it" and played Super Nintendo for hourz. I have also been really fucking busy over the past weeks which results in me being a lazy shit whenever I am at home. Anyways, I digress. This post would have been last night, but I watched an ungodly amount of porn and royally pounded one out. It was quite miraculous.

I got a 94/100 on my sign language video tape, mother fucker!

I typed "wacky picture" into Google and this picture came up with the caption "Grandma's are so wacky!" Incredible. Incredibrah? Just maybe.

Farce Side has been going swell. We are getting better every week.

Friday night at work, I was driving through a bro palace (a condo community leased out to a bunch of bros and slooterz w#0 k@n b 533n @t dUh p3WL @t @LL t1m3zZ!1!!) and saw a sloot stumbling in the middle of the street and eventually directly in front of my Honda CR-V. She stared right into my eyes and said...


SLOOT: If I show you my tits, will you give me a pizza?
ME: Absolutely.

Before I could finish the word, she already had her nipples exposed, defenseless to the moonlight and covered parking. I am an honest man; She had awesome boobs. Good for her. After a moment...

ME: Sorry, miss, but I sell sandwiches. Later.

I drove off towards the automatic gates and back to the store. I'm pretty sure she didn't really care or even remember it in the morning.

Time to sleep so I can fucking throw it down in sign language.

WU TANG!

I thought I just saw someone smoking in the computer lab.

I had this weird fucking dream where I was on the cast of Saved by the Bell (during when Mario Lopez was yet to be on cast). Everything was going swimmingly, until I realized where the fuck I was. I even remember walking with the "Alex" character and explaining to him that I'm 22. He then told me to go chat with Ms. Bliss.


I'm 22...

Matt Stafford Picture

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haha